davywavy | James Bond script leaked

The scene: A base inside an extinct volcano, somewhere in Japan. In his sanctum, ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD is stroking his cat. He is distracted by the sound of gunfire and falling bodies from outside the door. Rotating his chair, he sees the door dilate open to reveal JAMES BOND.

Blofeld: Come in, Mister Bond. I've been expecting you.
Bond: The game's up, Blofeld. You've got one chance to come quietly.
Blofeld: Not so fast, Bond. (His finger hovers dangerously over a red button). If I press this button it will unleash my doomsday weapon. The world shall collapse into anarchy. Millions will starve. Economies will topple. (pause as this registers on Bond's face) It seems I have you at a disadvantage, Mister Bond.
Bond: Damn you, Blofeld. What do you want?
Blofeld: I am not a greedy man, Mister Bond. My terms are...one hundred billion pounds.
Bond: Oh, is that all? Well, aye, I reckon we can do that.
Blofeld: What? That easily?
Bond: We've just printed two hundred and seventy-five billion quid, Blofeld. I daresay we can spare you a few of them.
Blofeld: What?!
Bond: In fact, that's less than we gave to the Royal Bank of Scotland, and frankly you're no worse than them. Yeah, I reckon it's a deal.
Blofeld: (Visibly shocked before regaining his composure and stroking his cat) In that case, Mister Bond, I demand...One Hundred Billion Dollars!
Bond: No bother.
Blofeld: You mean...?
Bond: Aye. Obama is printing another five hundred billion of them right now. Calls it 'The American Jobs Act".
Blofeld: (Wincing now) But...
Bond: Did you not know you could create jobs by printing money, Blofeld?
Blofeld: Right! That does it! Not pounds! Not dollars! In return for not devastating civilisation I demand...One Hundred Billion Euros!
Bond: Er...
Blofeld: You don't mean...
Bond: Can you hear that distant whirring noise, Blofeld?
Blofeld: Printing presses?
Bond: (Sympathetically) I'm afraid so. Two trillion of them.
Blofeld: Two trillion? That's insanity! That will impoverish millions! Savings will be wiped out! I thought I was the villain here!
Bond: Now you come to mention it...
Blofeld: I don't suppose you'd be interested in a job, Mister Bond? After all, it turns out I'm not as bad as the people you currently work for?
Bond: You know, I might be interested at that...but I don't take cash!
(Both laugh)
Bond: So, Blofeld. Yon doomsday weapon. What's it do?
Blofeld:(Proudly) Ah, it is simple in its genius. It would destroy all that men have worked for for generations. Bring ruin and destruction. I'm quite proud of it, really.
Bond: So how does it work?
Blofeld: Oh, it makes Gordon Brown Prime Minister again.
Bond: You fiend, Blofeld! (Shoots).

Cut to Titles.
Theme (to the tune of "You only live twice")

You only pay twice, or so they say
First they raise debt, then inflate it away.
You save down the years, to no avail
You life means little enough when there's the EU to bail.

And sense is a stranger, your states's overdrawn,
Don't think of the danger 'til the gold is all gone.

This dream is for you, so pay the price.
You've not got that much of a choice, you'll have to pay twice.

You'll have to pay twice, or so it seems
Nine hundred billion in debt for other folks dreams.
You save down the years, to no avail
You life means little enough when there's the EU to bail.

And sense is a stranger, your state's overdrawn,
Don't think of the danger 'til the gold is all gone.

This dream is for you, so pay the price.
You've not got that much of a choice, you'll have to pay twice.