In which David and Monty quit drinking.

[davywavy]

"I've got to warn you", I said as we sat down to dinner. "I'm off the booze at the moment."
"Oh?"
"Yes, it's Lent. Liquor is on the huge list of things I've given up for the duration."
He nodded. "That's fine. I'm on the wagon at the moment as well."
I was surprised. "You? Given it up for Lent as well?"
"No, nothing like that. I'm just on an economy drive at the moment, and I thought it'd do me good to cut out alcohol for a few weeks. Give me system a chance to recover, cut down on calories, all that sort of thing". He turned to the waiter. "Gin and tonic, please."
"Hang on!", I said. "You just told me you weren't drinking. Off the booze. Saving money, health kick, cutting down the calories, all that. Not sixty seconds ago you said that!"
"Yes, but a G&T hardly counts, does it? And anyway, I've had a rotten day at work. I need to settle my nerves. That's almost definitely the same as giving up drinking entirely. Anyway, it's just the one. That won't hurt."
I nodded. "Fair enough."
The waiter leaned in. "And with your main course, sir?"
"Ah, yes", said Monty. "What would you recommend with the pork?"
"If sir is not drinking, might I recommend..."
"I think I could make an exception to that rule now we're here, don't you? Do you have a decent white?"
"What happened to not drinking?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not, hardly. A single glass of the Falanghino will suffice, don't you think?"
"Your definition of "on the wagon" seems a remarkably flexible one?"
"I've not fallen off the wagon, old man. Not at all. Gently toppled, perhaps. A minor lean towards the edge. Possibly a slump-ette. But not a fall by any means."
The waiter turned to me. "Anything for you, sir?", he said, eyeing my glass of water.
"Oh, needs must when the devil drives. Gin and tonic, please."

Comments

[moomin-puffin.livejournal.com]

the wagon is a flexible concept, one can be part on and and part off it, being in a trailor being pulled behind the wagon is a fine place to be.

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

I finished the first line and almost died laughing.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

In my defense, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol in a month.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I've never mentioned it before here. No, not never.

Except here.
http://davywavy.livejournal.com/409598.html

And here.
http://davywavy.livejournal.com/244620.html?thread=3220108

Here too.
http://davywavy.livejournal.com/374288.html

Oh, and
http://davywavy.livejournal.com/339280.html

In fact, pretty much every year at this time... :p

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

That's all fine and well, but surely you have to take the Hitler Dilemma into account. It goes something like this: Hitler got really, really wasted once during his student days, woke up in a Viennese ditch the next morning, and swore he'd never drink again. As fate would have it, Hitler actually managed to stick with the resolution -- alcohol never touched his lips from that point on, which is more than you can say for cyanide.

But I digress. The point is that laying off alcohol implicitly makes you compete in a battle of wills against Hitler. As I see it, you can approach this in one of two ways: You can swear never to drink again, and inevitably fail. But that makes you worse than Hitler, and no rational human being would possibly invite that sort of outcome. On the contrary, a rational person always wants to be better than Hitler; consequently a rational person must turn the tables on the thought experiment and immediately drink vast quantities of additional booze to establish that he or she handles liquor better than Hitler, thus defeating Hitler at his own game.

From this unique but sternly logical perspective, sobriety is actually a sort of capitulation to Nazism and hence you should absolutely not carry it out beyond a certain healthy limit.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Ah, but I'm happy to be nett better than Hitler, so my reduced booze consumption is offset by my lack of Poland-invading and blitzkreiging.

[medusa-nw.livejournal.com]

Infallible logic.

[colliedlight.livejournal.com]

Gin barely counts. Gin is good for digestion and keeps away scurvy.