How to capture a live Alien.
Jan. 18th, 2003 12:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyI read somewhere recently that 3% of the population of the USA now believe that at some point in their lives they have been abducted by aliens.
Quite naturally, I'm going to take this at face value, and assume they're all correct. After all, what are the odds that more than seven and a half million Americans could be at best deluded, at at worst liars?
So, assuming this figure is right, and aliens have abducted somewhere in the region of 7,500,000 people in the recent past, what does this tell us? We can surely learn somehting of the alien threat to us all from this.
1) The aliens have incredible levels of stealth technology, brain wiping machines, and camouflage. Thinking about it, to abduct in that sort of numbers, they've got to have bagged, anally probed, and returned to their beds - without anyone else noticing - 500 people every single night for the last forty years. Gieven that the farms of Idaho don't ring with nightly cries of "Wilbur, there's a lil' green man in the Pumpernickel!", it's safe to assume that nobody has as yet sen one to pop at it with the shotgun.
2) Once all these people have been abucted, they've been anally probed and then brought back to tell the tale. This indicates that the aliens are looking for someone with a very special bottom indeed.
3) The aliens obviously believe this person to be found in the trailer parks of midwestern states, as they aren't doing much abducting anywhere else.
4) The alien fascination with bottoms has gone beyond obsessive, and may now be safely described as pathological.
Bearing in mind that people have been trying to capture a live alien for many years, it stands to reason that the best way to do it is to get hundreds of people to remove their trousers and stand on their heads in Kansas. Faced with a vista of rectums to probe, the aliens (who we have identified as pathological) won't be able to resist such a massive anal violating opporunity and will descend from the skies in their ships, rendering them easy to catch.
I have to wonder why NORAD hasn't thought of this yet.
Quite naturally, I'm going to take this at face value, and assume they're all correct. After all, what are the odds that more than seven and a half million Americans could be at best deluded, at at worst liars?
So, assuming this figure is right, and aliens have abducted somewhere in the region of 7,500,000 people in the recent past, what does this tell us? We can surely learn somehting of the alien threat to us all from this.
1) The aliens have incredible levels of stealth technology, brain wiping machines, and camouflage. Thinking about it, to abduct in that sort of numbers, they've got to have bagged, anally probed, and returned to their beds - without anyone else noticing - 500 people every single night for the last forty years. Gieven that the farms of Idaho don't ring with nightly cries of "Wilbur, there's a lil' green man in the Pumpernickel!", it's safe to assume that nobody has as yet sen one to pop at it with the shotgun.
2) Once all these people have been abucted, they've been anally probed and then brought back to tell the tale. This indicates that the aliens are looking for someone with a very special bottom indeed.
3) The aliens obviously believe this person to be found in the trailer parks of midwestern states, as they aren't doing much abducting anywhere else.
4) The alien fascination with bottoms has gone beyond obsessive, and may now be safely described as pathological.
Bearing in mind that people have been trying to capture a live alien for many years, it stands to reason that the best way to do it is to get hundreds of people to remove their trousers and stand on their heads in Kansas. Faced with a vista of rectums to probe, the aliens (who we have identified as pathological) won't be able to resist such a massive anal violating opporunity and will descend from the skies in their ships, rendering them easy to catch.
I have to wonder why NORAD hasn't thought of this yet.
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-19 06:07 am (UTC)Hehehe
Quite high.
> "it's safe to assume that nobody has as yet sen one to pop at it with the shotgun."
Ah ah, you're ignoring the miles of film shot of lights in the sky, on the surface, and elsewhere. Clearly all these 'Sightings' can't be false!!! :-)
> "This indicates that the aliens are looking for someone with a very special bottom indeed."
LOL! Hmm, I wonder if that could be correlated to the rise in 'all anal' pornography and spam that has run up all media channels in the same 40 year period. :-)
re: NORAD plan
LOL!
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-19 02:08 pm (UTC)Ok. What part of our last elections did you miss? I'm sure the BBC must have mentioned something....Florida perhaps?
(God but Gore would have been sssooo much worse...ACK).