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I'm not a racist, but...
Feb. 12th, 2007 10:16 amThere are several downsides to going for a drink with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
verlaine; firstly, he’s devilishly clever, and so when it comes to quiz machines and pub quizzes he throws the fact that I’m an overconfident, imbecilic liability with a tendency to confidently declare outrageously incorrect answers into sharp relief*. Secondly, he can hold his booze better than I can, meaning that after a drink or three I’m unsteadily waving my hand in the air and declaring my love for one and all, whilst he is casting glances of pity in my direction and, thirdly, he has a knowledge of all things Doctor Who which is more complete than any sane man has any right to**.
On the plus side, we also have wide ranging chats out stuff, and our conversation last Thursday came round to the recent series of Celebrity Big Brother, and the fact that we were both disappointed it wasn’t won by Dirk Benedict, a hero to anyone who had formative years between 1978 – 1985.
But, we both agreed, wouldn’t Big Brother have been just so much better if the entire A-team had been involved?
Damn right it would.
In 2007 a crack commando unit was sentenced to the Celebrity Big Brother House for crimes they did not commit. The promptly escaped into the Channel Four underworld, where they survive as soldiers of fortune. And now, if you have a problem, and nobody else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The A-Team.
Scene: the Big brother house. Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd are tormenting Shilpa Shetty.
Jade: I’m not racist, like, but all brown people smell funny an’ that.
Jo O’Meara: Yeah, like, an they all ‘ave funny names an’ that. I can never say their names so I jus’ call them all ‘Darky’, but it’s not rascist or nuffink. I think they understand that.
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Jade: An’ I’m not racist, right, but they all talk funny, like, an’ can’t speak proper English like what I does.
Enter Hannibal Smith, in Blackface with a huge Afro Wig.
Shilpa Oh, Jermaine! They are being so horrible to me! Such bullying! Can nobody help me?
Hannibal Say, there, little lady. That’s a pretty lousy situation in you’re in there.
Shilpa: I am so alone! If only someone could help me, but Leo Sayer has left the house! Without him, I am lost!
Hannibal (removing the wig): Lady – you just hired the A-Team.
Enter The A- Team
B.A (pointing at Jade): Say there, foo’! Ain’t no call for this sort of behaviour! Now you just apologise to the lady!
Jade: I’m not racist nor nuffink, but I ain’t bein’ talked at like that by no darky.
Jo O’Meara: Yeah. I mean, we’re not racists, but why don’t you go back to Africa like what you come from?
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
B.A. Moves threateningly forward, flanked by Face and Murdoch.
Face: Now, ladies. Why can’t we all just play nice and make up? It’s not that difficult?
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Murdoch: Say, B.A.
B.A: What is it, crazy man?
Murdoch So you ever get the feeling that we’re…being watched?
B.A.: Whatssat? You’re crazy! We’re working and you’re talking your crazy jibber-jabber!
Murdoch: It’s just I get this feeling like out in the bush like…there’s unseen eyes watching our every move.
B.A.: Enough talk! (Turns to Jade) Now you make up with the lady, or you’ll be dealing with the A-Team!
Jade: I jus’ want to say, right, that I’m not a racist, but I fink you’ve got a nerve talkin’ to a white person like that.
Jade stands up and fells B.A. with a meaty right hook. Face, Murdoch and Hannibal are quickly overwhelmed by the girls in a flurry of handbags, pointy shoes and a pair of chubby, calloused fists with ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed on the knuckles.
Jo: What do we do now?
Jade We’ll lock ‘em in the shed in the Big brother garden!
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Later, in the shed.
Face: Oh, now Hannibal, this is just great. What are we going to do now?
The camera pans around the shed, revealing the members of the team, a ride-on mower, several sacks of fertilizer, a welding torch, some scaffolding poles and a hundredweight of potatoes.
Hannibal: Don't worry face...I've got an idea.
Cue the montage sequence, to the A-Team 'building things in the shed' music. B.A. using a welding torch, Hannibal smoking a cigar, Murdoch mixing something in a old paint can etc.
Later, in the BB garden.
Jade: An' I'm not racist, right, but why can't we jus' sent them all back where they come from, like? They all like livin' in mud huts and wearin' grass skirts an' that and they don't understand our ways, an tha'.
Jo: Yeah, an' this isn't bein' racist, right, but foreigners is just fick, in't they?
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Suddenly, the three are distracted by the throaty roar of a modified 8 horsepower 2-stroke engine from the shed.
Jade: 'Ere! What's all this?
To the swelling theme of the A-Team title music, the lawnmower crashes though the wall of the shed, firing potatoes from scaffolding tubes as it goes. The three girls are quickly driven back by the hail of root vegetables and flee from the house. The next edition of The Sun has a picture of Jade being hit in the face with a potato on the cover with the headline "Jade Spuddy!"
Shilpa: Oh, the A-team! You are my heroes!
Later, on eviction night.
Davina McCall: And the winner of Celebrity Big Brother 2007 is...John "Hannibal" Smith!
Hannibal: I love it when a plan comes together.
Face: How come he wins? We all worked together?
Murdoch: Look at those cameras, B.A.! I told you we were being watched!
B.A. Crazy foo'!
Sirens are heard, off camera.
Face: It's Colonel Decker! Run!
*”In what year did Vasco da Gama first pass the Cape Bojador?”
“1952!”
“Are you sure?”
“As certain as I’ve ever been about anything. Now write it down and be quick about it!”
**Such as when I happened to mention, in passing, a liking for the episode “The Pyramids of Mars”. He not only knows who wrote that episode, but also who edited the script and by how much. This is not normal.
verlaine; firstly, he’s devilishly clever, and so when it comes to quiz machines and pub quizzes he throws the fact that I’m an overconfident, imbecilic liability with a tendency to confidently declare outrageously incorrect answers into sharp relief*. Secondly, he can hold his booze better than I can, meaning that after a drink or three I’m unsteadily waving my hand in the air and declaring my love for one and all, whilst he is casting glances of pity in my direction and, thirdly, he has a knowledge of all things Doctor Who which is more complete than any sane man has any right to**.On the plus side, we also have wide ranging chats out stuff, and our conversation last Thursday came round to the recent series of Celebrity Big Brother, and the fact that we were both disappointed it wasn’t won by Dirk Benedict, a hero to anyone who had formative years between 1978 – 1985.
But, we both agreed, wouldn’t Big Brother have been just so much better if the entire A-team had been involved?
Damn right it would.
In 2007 a crack commando unit was sentenced to the Celebrity Big Brother House for crimes they did not commit. The promptly escaped into the Channel Four underworld, where they survive as soldiers of fortune. And now, if you have a problem, and nobody else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The A-Team.
Scene: the Big brother house. Jade Goody, Jo O’Meara and Danielle Lloyd are tormenting Shilpa Shetty.
Jade: I’m not racist, like, but all brown people smell funny an’ that.
Jo O’Meara: Yeah, like, an they all ‘ave funny names an’ that. I can never say their names so I jus’ call them all ‘Darky’, but it’s not rascist or nuffink. I think they understand that.
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Jade: An’ I’m not racist, right, but they all talk funny, like, an’ can’t speak proper English like what I does.
Enter Hannibal Smith, in Blackface with a huge Afro Wig.
Shilpa Oh, Jermaine! They are being so horrible to me! Such bullying! Can nobody help me?
Hannibal Say, there, little lady. That’s a pretty lousy situation in you’re in there.
Shilpa: I am so alone! If only someone could help me, but Leo Sayer has left the house! Without him, I am lost!
Hannibal (removing the wig): Lady – you just hired the A-Team.
Enter The A- Team
B.A (pointing at Jade): Say there, foo’! Ain’t no call for this sort of behaviour! Now you just apologise to the lady!
Jade: I’m not racist nor nuffink, but I ain’t bein’ talked at like that by no darky.
Jo O’Meara: Yeah. I mean, we’re not racists, but why don’t you go back to Africa like what you come from?
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
B.A. Moves threateningly forward, flanked by Face and Murdoch.
Face: Now, ladies. Why can’t we all just play nice and make up? It’s not that difficult?
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Murdoch: Say, B.A.
B.A: What is it, crazy man?
Murdoch So you ever get the feeling that we’re…being watched?
B.A.: Whatssat? You’re crazy! We’re working and you’re talking your crazy jibber-jabber!
Murdoch: It’s just I get this feeling like out in the bush like…there’s unseen eyes watching our every move.
B.A.: Enough talk! (Turns to Jade) Now you make up with the lady, or you’ll be dealing with the A-Team!
Jade: I jus’ want to say, right, that I’m not a racist, but I fink you’ve got a nerve talkin’ to a white person like that.
Jade stands up and fells B.A. with a meaty right hook. Face, Murdoch and Hannibal are quickly overwhelmed by the girls in a flurry of handbags, pointy shoes and a pair of chubby, calloused fists with ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed on the knuckles.
Jo: What do we do now?
Jade We’ll lock ‘em in the shed in the Big brother garden!
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Later, in the shed.
Face: Oh, now Hannibal, this is just great. What are we going to do now?
The camera pans around the shed, revealing the members of the team, a ride-on mower, several sacks of fertilizer, a welding torch, some scaffolding poles and a hundredweight of potatoes.
Hannibal: Don't worry face...I've got an idea.
Cue the montage sequence, to the A-Team 'building things in the shed' music. B.A. using a welding torch, Hannibal smoking a cigar, Murdoch mixing something in a old paint can etc.
Later, in the BB garden.
Jade: An' I'm not racist, right, but why can't we jus' sent them all back where they come from, like? They all like livin' in mud huts and wearin' grass skirts an' that and they don't understand our ways, an tha'.
Jo: Yeah, an' this isn't bein' racist, right, but foreigners is just fick, in't they?
Danielle: Naa-aa-aa-aa-aa, look at me tits.
Suddenly, the three are distracted by the throaty roar of a modified 8 horsepower 2-stroke engine from the shed.
Jade: 'Ere! What's all this?
To the swelling theme of the A-Team title music, the lawnmower crashes though the wall of the shed, firing potatoes from scaffolding tubes as it goes. The three girls are quickly driven back by the hail of root vegetables and flee from the house. The next edition of The Sun has a picture of Jade being hit in the face with a potato on the cover with the headline "Jade Spuddy!"
Shilpa: Oh, the A-team! You are my heroes!
Later, on eviction night.
Davina McCall: And the winner of Celebrity Big Brother 2007 is...John "Hannibal" Smith!
Hannibal: I love it when a plan comes together.
Face: How come he wins? We all worked together?
Murdoch: Look at those cameras, B.A.! I told you we were being watched!
B.A. Crazy foo'!
Sirens are heard, off camera.
Face: It's Colonel Decker! Run!
*”In what year did Vasco da Gama first pass the Cape Bojador?”
“1952!”
“Are you sure?”
“As certain as I’ve ever been about anything. Now write it down and be quick about it!”
**Such as when I happened to mention, in passing, a liking for the episode “The Pyramids of Mars”. He not only knows who wrote that episode, but also who edited the script and by how much. This is not normal.
