Caribbean Wars: The Pirates Strike Back

[davywavy]

In keeping with the piratical theme of the last few days, thanks to the pasting I took at Ninja High last night I'm now walking with a limp and I've got a black eye so it looks like I'm wearing an eyepatch. All I need now is an injury which looks like a parrot and the illusion will be complete.

Many people – not least myself – have noted the uncanny structural plot similarities between Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Even the writers of the film acknowledge their debt to Lucas & Kerstner’s opus. However, it was only in final drafts of the script that the serial numbers of Empire were properly filed off and a distinguishable film produced.
Thanks to Hollywood insiders I have managed to get my hands on an earlier copy of the script in which the differences are perhaps not so marked…



Prelude: Having defeated the evil GRAND MOFF BARBOSSA in the previous film, JONNY DEPP (HAN SPARO), ORLANDO BLOOM (LUKE TURNER) AND KIERA KNIGHTLEY (PRINCESS LEIA)* have returned to their old lives.

Opening: Han Solo’s ship, the MILLENNIUM PEARL.
Han Sparo: Lordy, I’m worried. You can tell because I’m rolling my eyes and mincing more than usual.
Crewman: Arr, what be Cap’n Solo worried about?
Other crewman: By crikey, it be those thar walkers on the north ridge, controlled by evil DARTHY JONES!
Han: Run away! Run away!
They run to a Desert Island, where a Giant Space Worm and Mynocks cannibals try to eat them.

Meanwhile, Luke and Leia have returned to Echo Base on Hoth, where it is raining. They are trying to canoodle when they are surrounded by IMPERIAL REDCOATS led by a plummy-accented British actor in a smart uniform.
Plummy Brit: I say! What-ho, ding-dong, ra-ther! Cup of tea, down with the colonies chim-chiminee chim chim cheroo!
Luke: You’re very British. That means you’re a villain.
Plummy Brit: By George, top hole wizard! What gave it away?
Luke: Lucky guess.
Plummy Brit: By Jove and cripes, long live the Queen. I want you to go on a quest which involves a lot of very tropical locations featuring odd aquatic beasties who will try and eat you.
Luke: You want me to go to Dagobah?
All: Hush!

Cut to: Darthy Jones' ship.
Darthy Jones: Arr and yo ho ho. I wants Han Sparo captured! I'll dispatch me bounty hunters.
Enter Bounty Hunters, including the most feared of them all, Boba Squidd.
Darthy Jones: Arr! I wants Han Sparo captured. No disintegrations.
Boba Squidd: Can I eat him?
Darthy Jones: Aye.

Cut to: Bespin Tortuga.
Han Sparo: You won't find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy in...
All: We get it!
Enter Lando Calnorrington.
Lando: You ruined my career! I'll kill you!
Han: Don't be like that.
Lando: Oh, okay. Can I join your crew?

Cut to: Darthy Jones' ship.
Stellan Scarsgard: Luke, I am your father.
Luke (points at Darthy Jones) You mean he isn't?
Stellan: Nope.
Luke: That's a turn up for the books.
Stellan Scarsgard cuts Lukes hand off whips Luke.
Luke: I challenge Darthy!
Darthy Jones: You are unwise to lower your defenses.

Cut to: The Millennnium Pearl.
Lando Calnorrington: You fancy Han Sparo
Leia: Do not!
Lando: Do.
Leia: Not!
Han and Leia kiss.
Han: I love you
Leia: I know.
Han is frozen in Krakenite until the next film.

End scene:
Plummy brit: With this fully armed and operational Flying Dutchman under my control, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, and crush the rebels. I have forseen it.
Audience: So Darthy Jones is working for the Emperor now?
Director: Hush!


^{*I've seen two films with her in and I can't for the life of me remember the actual name of her character.}

Comments

[reddragdiva]

You so need to put stuff on uncyclopedia.org.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

What's that?

[reddragdiva]

It's a humour wiki. Originally a parody of Wikipedia. http://uncyclopedia.org/ They also do fake news: http://uncyclopedia.org/unnews Quality is variable, but the best stuff is fantastic. My user page is here.

[reddragdiva]

Sorry, this is the UnNews link.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Oh all right, just for you.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Labour_Party

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

I WISH I WOULD HAVE JUST READ THIS INSTEAD OF WASTING MY LIFE ON THAT PIECE OF CRAP FILM.

I am so upset, I'm using caps.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You didn't like it? I really enjoyed it - except for the fact that it is, as previously noted, half an hour too long.

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

I loathed it. 30 minutes is generous... I would say 60 minutes.

[electrokin.livejournal.com]

We could have watched the good bits in ten minutes, lets face it

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

Other than the fact that a) Its a two part follow up to what was origionally a single movie, b) There is a bad guy, c) there's a love triangle & d) It was really good I honestly don't see much of a connection to Empire.

Did Leia lie to Han so he would go into the carbonite and everyone else would live?
Was Lando also Darth Vader in the first movie?
Did Moff Tarkin reappear in Empire or Return?
Did Darth Vader help Luke escape Cloud City?

Nope, not that I can remember.
Call me silly but I think the above is a bit mean spirited. Given the fact that there are only about 7 stories that can be told (and everything else is variation on a theme) any film can be seen as a reworking of any other film if you file off the edges enough.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I've said more than once that, aside from the 'too long' objection, it is a very good film. However, it's also undeniably heavily influenced by the best bits of Stars Wars and Empire. I mean, Luke even gets his fathers lightsabre knife! Han runs from the final fight agains the Death Squid before returning at the last moment! They may have shaken up the order, but the raffish pirate/smuggler, his hairy first mate, the tall thin and short fat comedy duo, innocent farm boy growing up and aristocrats daughter structure?
I don't think that film 3 will be a re-tread of Jedi, because of some of the other set-up in this film - not least that the voodoo woman is plainly driving the plot forward because she wants her love, Davy Jones, back.

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

However in this case:
The knife is a family heirloom with sentimental value, not a rare limb-chopping death widget. Sparrow runs from the Death Squid because he dosen't want to die, not because he dosen't think its his fight. The 2nd mate is a trad pirate, not a uber-loyal walking carpet. The skilled artisan is after the girl, not a more interesting life.
Sorry but saying "They may have shaken up the order" is a quick get out and shoe-horn for your desired rant. Or do we just call Pinky & The Brain an R2D2 & C3PO rip off as well and point every anti-hero since 1978 to the door of Han Solo?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Excellent bit of parody sir, well done! :)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Now all we need is for Leia to turn out to be Luke's sister and it's game, set and match to Lucas.