davywavy | Caribbean Wars: The Pirates Strike Back

In keeping with the piratical theme of the last few days, thanks to the pasting I took at Ninja High last night I'm now walking with a limp and I've got a black eye so it looks like I'm wearing an eyepatch. All I need now is an injury which looks like a parrot and the illusion will be complete.

Many people – not least myself – have noted the uncanny structural plot similarities between Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Even the writers of the film acknowledge their debt to Lucas & Kerstner’s opus. However, it was only in final drafts of the script that the serial numbers of Empire were properly filed off and a distinguishable film produced.
Thanks to Hollywood insiders I have managed to get my hands on an earlier copy of the script in which the differences are perhaps not so marked…

Prelude: Having defeated the evil GRAND MOFF BARBOSSA in the previous film, JONNY DEPP (HAN SPARO), ORLANDO BLOOM (LUKE TURNER) AND KIERA KNIGHTLEY (PRINCESS LEIA)* have returned to their old lives.

Opening: Han Solo’s ship, the MILLENNIUM PEARL.
Han Sparo: Lordy, I’m worried. You can tell because I’m rolling my eyes and mincing more than usual.
Crewman: Arr, what be Cap’n Solo worried about?
Other crewman: By crikey, it be those thar walkers on the north ridge, controlled by evil DARTHY JONES!
Han: Run away! Run away!
They run to a Desert Island, where ~~a Giant Space Worm and Mynocks~~ cannibals try to eat them.

Meanwhile, Luke and Leia have returned to Echo Base on Hoth, where it is raining. They are trying to canoodle when they are surrounded by IMPERIAL REDCOATS led by a plummy-accented British actor in a smart uniform.
Plummy Brit: I say! What-ho, ding-dong, ra-ther! Cup of tea, down with the colonies chim-chiminee chim chim cheroo!
Luke: You’re very British. That means you’re a villain.
Plummy Brit: By George, top hole wizard! What gave it away?
Luke: Lucky guess.
Plummy Brit: By Jove and cripes, long live the Queen. I want you to go on a quest which involves a lot of very tropical locations featuring odd aquatic beasties who will try and eat you.
Luke: You want me to go to Dagobah?
All: Hush!

Cut to: Darthy Jones' ship.
Darthy Jones: Arr and yo ho ho. I wants Han Sparo captured! I'll dispatch me bounty hunters.
Enter Bounty Hunters, including the most feared of them all, Boba Squidd.
Darthy Jones: Arr! I wants Han Sparo captured. No disintegrations.
Boba Squidd: Can I eat him?
Darthy Jones: Aye.

Cut to: ~~Bespin~~ Tortuga.
Han Sparo: You won't find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy in...
All: We get it!
Enter Lando Calnorrington.
Lando: You ruined my career! I'll kill you!
Han: Don't be like that.
Lando: Oh, okay. Can I join your crew?

Cut to: Darthy Jones' ship.
Stellan Scarsgard: Luke, I am your father.
Luke (points at Darthy Jones) You mean he isn't?
Stellan: Nope.
Luke: That's a turn up for the books.
Stellan Scarsgard ~~cuts Lukes hand off~~ whips Luke.
Luke: I challenge Darthy!
Darthy Jones: You are unwise to lower your defenses.

Cut to: The Millennnium Pearl.
Lando Calnorrington: You fancy Han Sparo
Leia: Do not!
Lando: Do.
Leia: Not!
Han and Leia kiss.
Han: I love you
Leia: I know.
Han is frozen in Krakenite until the next film.

End scene:
Plummy brit: With this fully armed and operational Flying Dutchman under my control, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine, and crush the rebels. I have forseen it.
Audience: So Darthy Jones is working for the Emperor now?
Director: Hush!

^{*I've seen two films with her in and I can't for the life of me remember the actual name of her character.}