The language of love

[davywavy]

Many years ago now, I did a psychology degree and ended up with as a certified practitioner by the British Psychological Association. I'm still not entirely sure what this qualifies me to do, but I've always sort of hoped that brain surgery was included in there somewhere.
Possibly the most enjoyable (from a purely humour perspective) module of my degree was the section on psychosexual dysfunction, i.e. those sexual problems where the body works just fine, but something in the mind just keeps getting in the way. This was ribald entertainment for the unafflicted and no mistake.

I was reminded of this the other week when I mentioned, in passing, that shouting "By the power of Greyskull!" when getting frisky with someone is unlikely to be well recieved. Chatting to someone later, they told me the story of a man (it had to be, really) who could not help but shout "GOAL!!" upon ejaculation. Perhaps more astonishingly, he had a long-term girlfriend who put up with this without the aid of earplugs. The thing about makin' whoopee is that it short-circuits the brain and the things people say can be revealing, amusing, or just plain downright terrifying.
I'm sure people shout some wierd stuff during lovemaking, but that's not what I'm interested in today. I'm interested in what you, dear reader, would least like to hear someone shout whilst getting it on. "We wantsss it, my preciouss, yes, we does. Let us touch it.", perhaps? Or how about "I'm so sorry, mummy!"? How about "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!".

So what do you reckon?

Comments

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

"You're nearly as sexy as Margaret Thatcher"

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

But it's true!

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

I've always found 'will this take much longer, Eastenders is on' to be particularly off putting...

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

"Right, luv, time's up."

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

someone wanted you to wee on them? without warning before intercourse?

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

depravity?

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

one girl I knew wet herself in bed once and claimed it was an orgasm because she couldn't be arsed to go to the toilet.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

it doesn't smell till it goes stale, it was a one night stand and she escaped before he could foil her rather disgusting ruse.

[breekom.livejournal.com]

thank you is always quite off putting.

as in, 'thank you'.

[raggedhalo.livejournal.com]

You should never say thank you for sex, unless you're paying for it. Then it's only polite.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Nonsense! Girls love pathetic, fawning gratitude and comments like "I don't do this much, could you tell?"

[raggedhalo.livejournal.com]

I bow to your superior experience of such things...*grin*

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I explains my success with the laydeez.
That and my manly physique, obvoiusly.

[the-mendicant.livejournal.com]

Oh dear god, please tell me that blokes not surfin for sex!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You know those men on dating sites? They all look like him. Every one of 'em.

[(Anonymous)]

but men are always so gutted when you respond 'yes I could tell actually'

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

that was me.

Thought of another one;

'I always wondered what it would be like with a real woman...'

[duncanneko.livejournal.com]

"Happy birthday, Grandma" (http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=810) is probably near the top.

[raggedhalo.livejournal.com]

"Oh, it's you." would probably not be ideal.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I expect you get that a lot, right?

[raggedhalo.livejournal.com]

More than you'd think :-(

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Blimey, and I think it's every time!

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

'Call me Daddy' would be scary.

[caseytalk.livejournal.com]

Well, shouting the wrong name is a classic, of course. Shouting the name of some one of your lover's own sex might be a bit startling if you hadn't know said person fancied both sides. Even then, I suppose, it would be off-putting as I would hope any lover of mine would be thinking female partner whilst with me.

Um. . . ."TAKE THAT!" might not be what I'd want to hear. To be honest, though, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say anything. Noises, yeah, but no words. Noises are fine. Nice, feral, loud noises.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of the old 'rodeo sex' game.

"Whilst having sex, call your partner by someone elses name. See how long you can stay on for!"

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

That's because all the blood that's usually in a man's brain is elsewhere which makes coherent speech difficult.
Despite being almost bilingual, I doubt I could speak English in an instinctive sitation like that, anyone who's ever been in my car will confirm that.
Er, that is, when there's a hairy traffic situation that requires quick reaction, I tend to shout in German. It doesn't mean I have sex in my car (which would be rather uncomfortable)...

[christ1974.livejournal.com]

"Woah thats my colon" is a bit bizzare when it comes to random statements

[applez.livejournal.com]

I reckon anyone who has anything more complicated to say than a common exaltation of 'yes' or other satisfied statement is so wound up with their own bizarre values system that I wouldn't even know where to begin their analysis.

[elbly.livejournal.com]

One of my ex's use to scream "where are the socks? where are the god damn socks!!!" at the top of his voice at the point of impact.

[the-mendicant.livejournal.com]

how about "If you were any fatter I wouldn't fancy you"

This was said to me by a fat bloke during foreplay once. He was the last fat guy I'll ever frisk with.

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

"Geronimoooo!"

In Oklahoma (or some other southern US state) it's apparently illegal to shoot your gun into the air at the point of orgasm.

[gwaunquest.livejournal.com]

I find the cricket umpire strategy is good when you are tired of inadequacy.
"Hows that?" (response) "Not in!"

[astartesyriaca.livejournal.com]

Everything that occured to me is too disturbing. Ugh.

However, I did want to make sure you'd seen the classic movie "After Hours". Rosanna Arquette discusses her boyfriend (I think it was, or her roommates'), who has to yell "Surrender Dorothy!" every time he orgasms. That cracks me up.