davywavy | Never work with children or animals

Picture the scene. A romantic evening. A quiet street, late at night. A crisp, frosty evening with the stars shining down upon us. David and a charming lady companion are taking a moonlit stroll before retiring for a nightcap. As we walk, I see an astonishingly stout ginger tomcat (like a oversized, furry rugby ball with legs) waddle out behind us and start to cross the road.

Me (To cat): Oh, hallo, fatso.
Her: What?!
Me: I was talking to the cat!
Her: What cat?
Me (pointing): That one.
Her (Looking round too slowly and missing the cat, who has gone to hide beneath a car): What cat?
Me: There was this big fat ginger cat...it's under a car...you missed it?
Her: Really.
Me: Yes! It's under that car!
Her: Hmmn.
Me (kicking the car tyre to try and get the cat to come out): Yes...this one? Here, kitty? I say, cat? Hallo? Cat?
Her: You know, I don't think I want that drink. I'll think I'll go off to bed. G'night.
Me: No! wait! There's a cat! I wasn't talking about you - I meant..cat...ah, bugger.
Her: Goodnight
Me: Hang on...hold up...I wasn't...
Cat (Who has emerged from under the car and is looking up hopefully, obviously expecting affection or, more likely, food): Mioaw?
Me (To cat): Get stuffed, fatso.
Her (From down the road): I heard that!