I get the same old dreams, same time every night

[davywavy]

And they mostly involve a terrible accident befalling next door's baby.

All babies cry. With the exception of Little baby Jesus and myself, obviously, but apart from those two notable examples babies periodically bawl their delightful, cuddly bundle of love and joy heads off. But I have to ask; how normal is it for them to cry for hours at a time, pretty much every day? Hours. And hours. And hours. Every. Day.

I was wondering this as I lay awake last night listening to the incessant howling of next door's baby - whose bedroom appears to be on the other side of the wall to mine - and idly fantasising about suddenly turning bright green and slightly less muscular, bursting through the wall, and putting it out of my misery by hurling it over the horizon with one mighty throw.

You might think I'm joking about the way it cries, but I'm not. It's not entirely constant, but if it cries for less than 6 hours out of every 24 then it's unusual. It's got to the point where I've leaned out of the window and shouted "In the name of Christ shut up!". Sister has accosted the parents in the street and politely asked if they'd consider using a dummy. Neither of these things have worked, so is it time to up the ante? I've been toying with putting dummies through their letterbox with a note attached saying "For God's sake use this" every time it cries the night through. "Some of us have to go to work in the morning." Alternatively, I've been considering buying a copy of this year's biggest hit parenting book and popping a copy of that through their letterbox. If you haven't come across it, the audio copy is below.

Narrated by Samuel L Jackson, and parenting doesn't get cooler than that.

(Not work safe. Very sweary indeed. If you don't like naughty words, don't press play).

Comments

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

There were less people back then, so less lies.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

And youngsters had respect, and never talked back. Good point.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

Don't forget Diana.

Everything gone wrong now... :(

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

She was the Princess of our Hearts. I really thought Tony Blair spoke convincingly and from the heart when he gave her eulogy on behalf of us all.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

Before her I never knew it was ok to hug people you didn't really know.

And before him I thought the Labour Party gave a rats arse about poor people.

How I wish they were both still with us.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

So you hadn't been paying attention before either of them then?

Try hugging some poor people you don't really know, to make it it to them.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

I would, but they all smell of chips.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I thought that was an aphrodisiac to you.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

Well, that explains the newspaper print stains all over your neck.

DISCLAIMER: This joke pretty much only works pre-1978

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I dunno, we were still getting Fish & Chips in Yorkshire in newspaper into the 1990s.

But that's because we're PROPER POOR in Yorkshire, not rich and soft like you southern jessies.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

True, but I was assuming anyone from Yorkshire (Or anywhere else where the map still says 'here be dragons') wouldn't actually have access to the internet, so wouldn't be reading this.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I have to burn my own body fat in a furnace to generate electricity to run this compu-doohickey, you know.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

No wonder you;re on line so much.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

It's my glands!