And that's magic!
Jul. 16th, 2003 01:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyWhiling away an idle ten minutes in Waterstones the other day, I found myself reading a little book called "Wicked Spells for Good Witches" - or "Good Spells for Wicked Witches", or some similar name anyway. You know the sort of thing - the sort of book that sells by the bucketload to disaffected teenage girls who think that talking to their cat makes them mystical.
It was basically a self-help book dressed up as a spellbook, giving fairly obvious tips hidden under a layer of new-age nonsense; as an example, one spell that stuck in my mind was one to guarantee good lovemaking. This spell involved turning the lights down low, drinking quite a lot of wine, having a romantic meal and then giving each other a massage before having it away. The crucial part of this ritual involved putting a feather under the pillow, which presumably would make this whole parade into a magic shag rather than a dull old non-magic romantic evening in.
Now, what struck me about this is that writing these spellbooks is plainly money for old rope (In fact I actually looked for a 'Spell to turn old rope into money - Write a book like this', but sadly they'd missed that one out), and I reckon that I can write spells as well as anybody simply by giving good advice dressed up with a couple of quasi-mystical sounding words.
So without further ado, may I present: The Wiccan Way of Wade
A spell for personal freshness
"Standing beneath cascading warm water and applying ground unicorn horn to your body will make you sparkling clean for a week. If you don't have any unicorn horn then you'll have to use soap instead and perform this ritual more often: perhaps once or twice a day, especially in hot weather."
A spell to make a witch irresistable to men
"Standing beneath the full moon, repeat your personal spell of beauty thrice before sleeping with willow twigs beneath your pillow and an infusion of witch hazel upon it. Then attend a roleplaying convention wearing a corset and the Goddess will ensure that you cannot fight them off with a stick."*
A spell for bodily health
Run widdershins around a 400 metre running track, every day striving to run further and faster. This spell creates a mystic spiral which will draw unhealthy curses from your body into the ground. You should see results within 3-4 weeks if you cast this spell every day.
You can do this skyclad if you like, but the Goddess recommends a tracksuit and decent training shoes. Perform the 'Spell for personal freshness' once you're done."
A spell to make a warlock more attractive to women
"Get a job, buy a car and best suit you can afford, and occasionally talk to girls about how their day was. Try and sound like you're actually interested when they reply."
Blimey, this magic stuff is dead easy.
---
* From what I've seen at roleplaying conventions, the spell of personal freshness would appear to be entirely optional.
It was basically a self-help book dressed up as a spellbook, giving fairly obvious tips hidden under a layer of new-age nonsense; as an example, one spell that stuck in my mind was one to guarantee good lovemaking. This spell involved turning the lights down low, drinking quite a lot of wine, having a romantic meal and then giving each other a massage before having it away. The crucial part of this ritual involved putting a feather under the pillow, which presumably would make this whole parade into a magic shag rather than a dull old non-magic romantic evening in.
Now, what struck me about this is that writing these spellbooks is plainly money for old rope (In fact I actually looked for a 'Spell to turn old rope into money - Write a book like this', but sadly they'd missed that one out), and I reckon that I can write spells as well as anybody simply by giving good advice dressed up with a couple of quasi-mystical sounding words.
So without further ado, may I present: The Wiccan Way of Wade
A spell for personal freshness
"Standing beneath cascading warm water and applying ground unicorn horn to your body will make you sparkling clean for a week. If you don't have any unicorn horn then you'll have to use soap instead and perform this ritual more often: perhaps once or twice a day, especially in hot weather."
A spell to make a witch irresistable to men
"Standing beneath the full moon, repeat your personal spell of beauty thrice before sleeping with willow twigs beneath your pillow and an infusion of witch hazel upon it. Then attend a roleplaying convention wearing a corset and the Goddess will ensure that you cannot fight them off with a stick."*
A spell for bodily health
Run widdershins around a 400 metre running track, every day striving to run further and faster. This spell creates a mystic spiral which will draw unhealthy curses from your body into the ground. You should see results within 3-4 weeks if you cast this spell every day.
You can do this skyclad if you like, but the Goddess recommends a tracksuit and decent training shoes. Perform the 'Spell for personal freshness' once you're done."
A spell to make a warlock more attractive to women
"Get a job, buy a car and best suit you can afford, and occasionally talk to girls about how their day was. Try and sound like you're actually interested when they reply."
Blimey, this magic stuff is dead easy.
---
* From what I've seen at roleplaying conventions, the spell of personal freshness would appear to be entirely optional.
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*grin*
Date: 2003-07-16 05:36 am (UTC)Personally the trouble I have found with a lot of 'spell books' is that they involve a heavy does of 'do this and get your way'. (regardless of the fact if you involve other people that may violate their rights). If you'd like variety I was given a wonderful book of curses / control magic a while back - that I don't intend ever to use, and not a touch of self-help in the lot. (things like how to make your work colleagues speak better of you but putting odd herbs under their desk)
Re: *grin*
Date: 2003-07-16 05:41 am (UTC)Re: *grin*
Date: 2003-07-16 05:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 05:55 am (UTC)Spell for getting rid of bad stale vibes
Date: 2003-07-16 05:58 am (UTC)Work up a sweat as you work as the physical energy you put in will drive out those vibes! Then sit back and meditate and have a divine shower to get rid of those last bad stale vibes that may have attached to you!
Drink a glass of wine and have a cookie in thanks to the Gods that helped drive the bad vibes away!
- Hmm, me thinks I could write this stuff, but shall leave it to the master!
Re: Spell for getting rid of bad stale vibes
Date: 2003-07-16 06:03 am (UTC)I have to wonder why, if magic is this easy, it has never had any noticable effect on the life of anyone I know.
Re: Spell for getting rid of bad stale vibes
Date: 2003-07-16 07:34 am (UTC)Re: Spell for getting rid of bad stale vibes
Date: 2003-07-16 08:54 am (UTC)Now who said no-one benefited from magic?
But...
Date: 2003-07-16 08:06 am (UTC)----
Re: But...
Date: 2003-07-16 08:28 am (UTC)I know my audience.
Re: But...
Date: 2003-07-16 09:07 am (UTC)Fortuna
This spell cannot be done by any junior wiccan, but requires one of exceptional birth, say a Rothchild or a Packer.
Place eyeliner on underlid and then unleash your inner pain, weep out your bad luck. Then run to the two directions of your soul. When you approach your masculine direction, incant "Daddy can I have some more money?". When you aproach your feminine direction whisper "Mummy, I need a bit of a loan".
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 10:39 am (UTC)A discussion about the effectiveness of magic/prayer/voodoo-you-doo would be interesting at some point - however, satire is rarely the best place from which to start these things! For now, I'll merely ponder on how it is you managed to so effectively both miss the point and hit the nail on the head[1]
C
(Being very much of the 'if your want to throw a fireball, learn to make molotov cocktails' school of thought, whilst still being a strange tree-hugger type)
[1] Unless you perceive the point as being the non-head end of the nail, in which case it becomes a trivial and entirely irrelevant solution - damn these mixed metaphors!
no subject
Date: 2003-07-16 12:28 pm (UTC)and I agree completely about the Molotov - like the zen teacher who's student came to him one day and said "Sir I have practiced for 20 years and can now cross the river by walking on the water!" The teacher breaks down weeping and says "My poor child, for 20 years you have laboured to cross the river when the ferry man will take you across at anytime for the smallest of coins!"
no subject
Date: 2003-07-17 05:59 am (UTC)you need non-rpg friends!