davywavy | And that's magic!

Whiling away an idle ten minutes in Waterstones the other day, I found myself reading a little book called "Wicked Spells for Good Witches" - or "Good Spells for Wicked Witches", or some similar name anyway. You know the sort of thing - the sort of book that sells by the bucketload to disaffected teenage girls who think that talking to their cat makes them mystical.
It was basically a self-help book dressed up as a spellbook, giving fairly obvious tips hidden under a layer of new-age nonsense; as an example, one spell that stuck in my mind was one to guarantee good lovemaking. This spell involved turning the lights down low, drinking quite a lot of wine, having a romantic meal and then giving each other a massage before having it away. The crucial part of this ritual involved putting a feather under the pillow, which presumably would make this whole parade into a magic shag rather than a dull old non-magic romantic evening in.
Now, what struck me about this is that writing these spellbooks is plainly money for old rope (In fact I actually looked for a 'Spell to turn old rope into money - Write a book like this', but sadly they'd missed that one out), and I reckon that I can write spells as well as anybody simply by giving good advice dressed up with a couple of quasi-mystical sounding words.
So without further ado, may I present: The Wiccan Way of Wade

A spell for personal freshness

"Standing beneath cascading warm water and applying ground unicorn horn to your body will make you sparkling clean for a week. If you don't have any unicorn horn then you'll have to use soap instead and perform this ritual more often: perhaps once or twice a day, especially in hot weather."

A spell to make a witch irresistable to men

"Standing beneath the full moon, repeat your personal spell of beauty thrice before sleeping with willow twigs beneath your pillow and an infusion of witch hazel upon it. Then attend a roleplaying convention wearing a corset and the Goddess will ensure that you cannot fight them off with a stick."^*

A spell for bodily health
Run widdershins around a 400 metre running track, every day striving to run further and faster. This spell creates a mystic spiral which will draw unhealthy curses from your body into the ground. You should see results within 3-4 weeks if you cast this spell every day.
You can do this skyclad if you like, but the Goddess recommends a tracksuit and decent training shoes. Perform the 'Spell for personal freshness' once you're done."

A spell to make a warlock more attractive to women

"Get a job, buy a car and best suit you can afford, and occasionally talk to girls about how their day was. Try and sound like you're actually interested when they reply."

Blimey, this magic stuff is dead easy.

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^* From what I've seen at roleplaying conventions, the spell of personal freshness would appear to be entirely optional.